#metoo has been getting a lot of attention. It is drawing our attention to the culture of “silence” in speaking up when we are being bullied or harassed.
Much has been said of the “silence” of the victim and the need to speak up earlier. That is true.
What about the other truth, the deafening silence of the community. Often in my experience there are many subtle sexual jokes or comments to test the waters when others are present. No one says anything, worse they laugh mostly as they don’t know what else to do. Or you notice someone being visibly upset around a specific person and everyone has heard the person is being harassed but says nothing, people say to themselves it is none of their business.
People often tell me when I am coaching individuals or groups they are feeling very uncomfortable when someone makes an inappropriate comment or does something inappropriate but they don’t know how to intervene so often nothing is done. Magnify that uncomfortable feeling by a thousand plus and you have an idea as to how difficult it is for a “victim” to speak up. The reality is when one person is being victimized, the community is being “victimized” as well indirectly.
So, what is the responsibility of the “silent” majority. The power of the community is so strong yet so unrealized. I coach individuals and communities to protect the health of their community by standing up respectfully for each other. In my experience, there are 3 types of harassers-
Type 1 – Totally unconscious – Innocence
Sometimes we are completely unconscious of offending someone like when we were infants.
Type 2- Semi- Conscious
We kind of know but don’t understand the psychological damage being caused or the policies being broken.
Type 3- Fully- Conscious – the Predator-Intentional
They know what they are doing and don’t care!
In my experience, Type 1 and 2 will stop and even apologize when respectfully addressed when it comes to comments. They might not initially like it but they will stop, especially if the community is united. In my work, I find the majority are Type 2s, they need to be told it’s not OK. In the media lately, the focus is on Type 3s and rightly so, they are also easier to understand and to take a stand against.
The Type 2 and 1 are not so easy to understand in the news with the quick sound bites. They are however the group we need to engage with to create that unified community front. They do not want to be lumped with the Type 3s. And if we are totally honest we all have been that type 1 or 2 at some point in our life, perhaps not sexually but in other ways. It’s us if we look more closely in the mirror.
When people hear harassment they automatically jump to the worst, type 3. There have recently been enough cases in the news to prove they are real and there is in fact an epidemic going back decades, it is systemic. Type 3s are not so easy to stop, it requires the power of all of us – the community and the organizations.
So, what is the answer? How do we transform and move forward in the next few decades?
What if we said #harassmentnotinourcommunity
Together the community is much stronger, we are seeing this right now in the news with all the women speaking up. Let’s all work together, men and women to build a healthy community in our workplaces and in society.
So let’s break our silence and speak up together, let’s continue to have more conversations and coaching (as needed) to find our voices and the courage to be part of the change so needed in our world.
My next blog will be on successful strategies on speaking up in an inclusive way to engage the Type 1 and 2s and to halt the Type 3s, the intentional predator. Let’s keep the conversation going.
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About the Author – Sue Vandittelli
Sue Vandittelli, President of AWR Inc.(Alternative Workplace Resolutions), Professional Coach, Chartered Mediator, Certified Ombudsman, Senior Consultant with Morneau Shepell, Mediation Coach for ADR Chambers, Stitt Feld Handy and Former Bell Canada Ombudsperson and Human Rights Consultant. She has over 30 years’ expertise working with organizations, communities and individuals to develop transformative and sustainable solutions to professional relationships, challenges, conflicts, specializing in the area of discrimination and harassment; disability management; psychological & mental health; rebuilding & transforming professional relationships; OHSA Act Bills 168 & 132 and; business to business disputes in the franchise community. Sue is the Franchise Ombudsman for Canada and the United States working with franchisors and franchisees. Sue’s personal client group is committed to increasing their level on consciousness and successfully integrating their business and life.
Sue has successfully worked with over 600 clients and is recognized as the go-to-person for diffusing volatile and seemingly impossible workplace and business conflicts. She is a leader in developing and sustaining more conscious professional relationships and communities.
Sue is an active member of the: The International Ombudsman Association (IOA); ADR Institute of Canada (ADRIC), ADR Institute of Ontario (ADRIO) and is on the Leadership Circle of the Centre for Spirituality to guide the evolution of the new Centre; Board Member for Toronto Catholic Family Services Association and a former Volunteer for Women Helping Women with the Toronto Catholic Family Services mentoring women recovering from domestic abuse.
Sue has a degree from York University, a diploma in Business Administration from Ryerson Polytechnical Institute. She has a Certificate for Mediating in a Workplace when a Party has a Psychiatric Disability from the City University of New York and Certificates of Mediation (3 levels) from University Of Windsor’s Law Program. Sue is known for her unique and successful way of bridging the needs of the organization, employees, business, community, life and spirit.
