Sue Vandittelli

The Inside-Out Approach To Stop Bullying and Creating Healthier Communities – Part 4 Section 2 – Smart Next Steps

January 30, 2020 by Sue Vandittelli Leave a Comment

Section 2

In this final section of the blog, we will continue discussing the Smart Next Steps to take effective action and achieve successful results.

As we have discussed, Type 3 is a very dangerous predator, they know exactly what they are doing and the impact they are inflicting. They are very good at gas lighting, a mind warping technique that causes people to doubt themselves and/or their reality. They like to engage both the victim and the bystanders in conversaion, gives them an opening to start controlling people’s perceptions and realities.

Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4 – Section 1.

Inside-Out Approach Step 4: Smart Next Steps

Type 3 Bullies

As we have discussed, type 3 is a very dangerous predator, they know exactly what they are doing and the impact they are inflicting. They are very good at gas lighting, a mind warping technique that causes people to doubt themselves and/or their reality. They like to engage both the victim and the bystanders in conversation, gives them an opening to start controlling people’s perceptions and realities. It can be very subtle and you may not realize what is happening until afterwards, if at all. They are often very charming and social.

Example: The same examples we used with type 1 and 2 may occur. The response from the predator may be very different or they may act in a similar way. Generally, they won’t stop the first time, they will continue the behaviour when asked to stop and may even make it the other person’s problem. They will blame the others for causing them to behave this way, making themselves out to be a victim. They will actively work with the group to turn them against the “victim” or make them believe the “victim” is emotionally unstable.

Type 3 bullies may pull back if they perceive there is a significant negative consequence they can’t turn the situation around. I will provide some initial communication strategies below. The best course of action is to fully document the incidents and report them to the appropriate complaint channels. If the situation increases to a criminal level, such stalking or assault than you should go to the police or call 911.

Possible responses when faced with Type 3 Bully:

Non –Verbal for victim and/or bystander: Ensure your inner core muscles are strongly activated and that you are breathing nice slow breaths. Try and keep an open body posture, a calm firm tone and visualize a strong protective force field around you. Put a hand up in a wide hard stopping motion and stand, do not sit. Ensure you have a safety plan or a safe exit if needed.

Victim

Verbal Suggestions: Below

If you can pause and walk away, say something like “I have to leave right now, we can talk later.”
“This conversation is done” and walk away.
Name the behaviour neutrally and say something like “I am done”.
“Let’s take this conversation to the manager”. (or whatever authority figure is around)
If in a group, ask someone directly for help or to “call or get the manager to come and help”.
If appropriate, say “You are better than this, We are better than this….. Where is the kindness? There is a new practise called kindfulness, you have heard mindfulness, let’s practise kindfulness and start again….”

It is extremely important to keep the communication very brief, do not engage and reach out for assistance. If you are with a group, think about asking someone for help if needed, look at someone directly. Something like “Can you help me (us) here?”

The actual words used will need to be customized. If you are alone, exit the interaction as soon as reasonably possible and privately document.

Bystander

Verbal Suggestions: Below

If you know the perpetrator or are comfortable, try, “Let’s take a break” and gently guide them away.
If you know the victim or are comfortable, try, “Let’s take a break” and gently guide them away.
“Let’s call or get a manager to come and help us. It is getting out of control”.

The bystanders in these situations have largely been an untapped source to effect changes in the past. The reality is they can be in a better emotional state to respond at the time than the victim. The bully will eventually stop and/or leave the group once the group speaks up. If they don’t, more formal channels will need to be explored with your organization and/or the police.

The important key is to not put yourself in danger, that won’t help anyone. If the situation is very serious, say very little and quietly get help from the manager, security or the police-911. Don’t verbally or physically push the perpetrator in a corner, leave them options to leave safely. This situation can be dealt with later in these circumstances.

Remember there is significant power held within the group to keep the group healthy but no one should put themselves in harm’s way. There are always different options.

Victimizer

Verbal Suggestions: Below

Take responsibility and de-escalate the situation if you can.
Leave the situation and get help for yourself.

The best approach is to take responsibility for your actions, usually your reputation is very important to you. Leave on a good note with everyone involved regardless of whether you agree or not.

Concluding Remarks

I hope this information on the inside~out approach has been very helpful and your “psychological inner core muscles” have enjoyed a good work-out.

In my experience, there is a cycle of abuse that moves from bystander to victim to perpetrator especially with type 1 and 2 bullies. You can stop this cycle once you are aware it exists and you can mindfully use the inside~out approach.

My clients tell me they feel stronger and healthier in dealing with these situations. They are working and coaching others in their workplaces and communities to stopping bullying and creating healther communities

Most individuals are unconsciously disturbed or shocked when these events are starting, even if they are subtle. The typical response is for the victim and/or bystander to do nothing, either hope it won’t happen again or minimize and discount the experience. The other underlying layer is fear, fear they are wrong and/or are being overly sensitive, fear they will lose the relationship, the job etc.

The bystander may fear they are next and say to themselves it’s none of their business. We had the same limiting beliefs around drinking and driving, we thought it was none of our business until we recognized the harm being done to their families and communities. Now people who have been drinking are stopped by others by taking the keys, reporting them to the police etc. We need this same mindset for bullies. We need to respectfully identify our concerns and take appropriate action while keeping ourselves safe. In the end, it is all our business.

Congratulations, you have concluded all 4 steps of the Inside-Out process, you are more equipped to take effective action for yourself and others when faced with bullying behavior. These situations are not easy but together we can make a difference, creating healthier communities and work environments.

If you need more coaching assistance to increase your “psychological inner core muscles” contact me at sue@suevandittelli.com. Sometimes we need additional coaching to kick start an effective inner practice.

More information on my coaching programs is available on www.suevandittelli.com.

All Rights Reserved © 2020 Sue Vandittelli | www.SueVandittelli.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sue Vandittelli and www.SueVandittelli.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About the Author – Sue Vandittelli

Sue Vandittelli, President of AWR Inc.(Alternative Workplace Resolutions), Professional Coach, Chartered Mediator, Certified Ombudsman, Senior Consultant with Morneau Shepell, Mediation Coach for ADR Chambers, Stitt Feld Handy and Former Bell Canada Ombudsperson and Human Rights Consultant. She has over 30 years’ expertise working with organizations, communities and individuals to develop transformative and sustainable solutions to professional relationships, challenges, conflicts, specializing in the area of discrimination and harassment; disability management; psychological & mental health; rebuilding & transforming professional relationships; OHSA Act Bills 168 & 132 and; business to business disputes in the franchise community. Sue is the Franchise Ombudsman for Canada and the United States working with franchisors and franchisees. Sue’s personal client group is committed to increasing their level on consciousness and successfully integrating their business and life.

Sue has successfully worked with over 600 clients and is recognized as the go-to-person for diffusing volatile and seemingly impossible workplace and business conflicts. She is a leader in developing and sustaining more conscious professional relationships and communities.

Sue is an active member of the: The International Ombudsman Association (IOA); ADR Institute of Canada (ADRIC), ADR Institute of Ontario (ADRIO) and is on the Leadership Circle of the Centre for Spirituality to guide the evolution of the new Centre; Board Member for Toronto Catholic Family Services Association and a former Volunteer for Women Helping Women with the Toronto Catholic Family Services mentoring women recovering from domestic abuse.

Sue has a degree from York University, a diploma in Business Administration from Ryerson Polytechnical Institute. She has a Certificate for Mediating in a Workplace when a Party has a Psychiatric Disability from the City University of New York and Certificates of Mediation (3 levels) from University Of Windsor’s Law Program. Sue is known for her unique and successful way of bridging the needs of the organization, employees, business, community, life and spirit.

The Inside-Out Approach To Stop Bullying and Creating Healthier Communities – Part 4 Section 1 – Smart Next Steps

January 30, 2020 by Sue Vandittelli Leave a Comment

Section 1

In this 4th blog, we will be discussing the Smart Next Steps to take effective action and achieve successful results.

As we have discussed, Types 1 and 2 can often be awakened with the right approach. They key is to give them the benefit of the doubt and use a non-judgmental tone while holding them accountable.

Most articles for addressing bullying are from the outside~in focused on communication tips. My experience has shown me that strategies from the inside~out are more holistic and effective.

Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.

Inside-Out Approach Step 4: Smart Next Steps

Type 1 or 2 Bullies

As we have discussed, types 1 and 2 can often be awakened with the right approach. The key is to give them the benefit of the doubt and use a non- judgmental tone while holding them accountable. We will work out what to do with the type 3s in the second section of this blog, this is not an “All or Nothing” exercise, we are smarter than this old thinking.

Naturally your response will depend on how obvious and/or serious the behaviour is present. Let’s try something simple first.

Let’s use this example: Someone starts telling a graphic sexual joke at work, or a joke targeting you, this could be happening privately or in a group setting.

We will work through the different roles in this scenario below from victim to bystander to victimizer. The first section will be using an example of a type 1 or 2 victimizer, the second section of this blog will use an example of a type 3 victimizer.

Possible responses when faced with Type 1 or 2 Bully:

Non –Verbal for victim and/or bystander: Ensure your “psychological inner core muscles” are activated and that you are breathing nice slow breaths from your core. Try and keep an open body posture and a calm and firm tone. If appropriate put a hand up in a slow stopping motion. Assess whether you need to stand or sit during the conversation.

Victim

Verbal Suggestions: Below

Find a pause and change the joke or subject…
“I love a good joke but this one is too much (over the line), let’s pick a different joke or topic…”
If the conversation is putting someone else down, start talking about a positive interaction they had with the person…
If they are putting you down say something like, “That’s not my experience, my experience is…”, or “sounds a little like a put down, I am sure you don’t mean it, let’s talk about what’s important to both of us in this situation…”
Name the behaviour neutrally and say something like “That is enough…”
“You are better than this, or We are better than this….. Where is the kindness? There is a new practise called kindfulness, you have heard mindfulness, let’s practise kindfulness and start again…”.

The actual words used will need to be customized. If you are alone, exit the interaction as soon as reasonably possible and privately document. If you are with a group, think about asking someone for help if needed, look at someone directly. Say something like “Can you help me (us) here?”

Bystander

Verbal Suggestions:

Review the responses above and choose one, or
Say “You may not be aware, this type of joke can be very uncomfortable for our co- workers, let’s pick another one….”
Ask the others in the group for help…

The bystanders in these situations have largely been an untapped resource to effect changes in the past. The reality is they can be in a better emotional state to respond at the time than the victim. The bully will stop and/or leave the group once the group speaks up. There is significant power held within the group to keep the group healthy.

This approach is completely different than mobbing or group vigilantes. The bystander role in these circumstances is serving a positive intention with trying to de-escalate the situation when it is possible to do while keeping out of harm’s way themselves. In addition, they are establishing or re-establishing a group or organizational healthy boundaries around social and/or professional interactions. Individuals and organizations can only do so much by themselves. The healthy action of an informal group or community has a much greater influence than they realize.

Victimizer

Verbal Suggestions: Below

“I am sorry, I hadn’t realized, I will stop.” (Say something positive about the person and/or the group.)
“Ok, no problem”, if possible take responsibility (and then say something positive….)

In conclusion, reflect and learn from this experience, how we impact each other is often more important than our actual intentions. The best approach is to take responsibility for your part for yourself, the victim and the group. Seek out assistance to turn this around.

Congratulations, you have been introduced to section 1 of part 4 of the Inside-Out, Smart Next Steps to achieve a successful result! These situations are not easy but we have more power to change things around than we realize. Additional coaching is available, please see details below.

In section 2 of this blog post, we will focus on the Smart Next Steps to achieve a successful result with Type 3 bullies. As we have been talking, Type 3 bullies are the most difficult and a different strategy is required.

More information on my coaching programs is available on www.suevandittelli.com.

About the Author – Sue Vandittelli

The Inside-Out Approach To Stop Bullying and Creating Healthier Communities – Part 3: Assessing The Type of Bully

January 28, 2019 by Sue Vandittelli Leave a Comment

In the 3rd blog, The Importance of Assessing the Bully, we will be exploring the 3 different types and the best approaches to successfully stop the bullying.

Most articles for addressing bullying are from the outside~in focused on communication tips. My experience has shown me that strategies from the inside~out are more effective and holistic. These practices can be significantly more effective in achieving results and in preserving your mental health.

The inside~out approach can be compared with physically strengthening your “physical core muscles”, how often do we hear the fitness trainer tell us we need a stronger “inner core” to be physically healthy.

I want us to exercise our “psychological inner core muscles” before addressing the bullying behaviour whenever we can. This will increase our strength and resilience in working through these situations.

The first part to the Inside-Out Approach was Inner Self Checkout, which will enable you to more easily work with your inner core self from a state of deep calmness (read Part 1 and Part 2).

Inside-Out Approach Step 3: The Importance of Assessing the Bully

In my previous article, I mentioned in my experience there are 3 types of bullies or harassers. Why is this important? It gets us out of the cognitive dissonance of the “All or Nothing” thinking of victim and victimizer which will trap us into a bullying cycle. We can also start waking up the “good” in people that may be stifled out of fear or negative past experiences.

As a reminder, the types of bullies are:

Type 1 – Totally unconscious – Innocence

Type 2- Semi- Conscious – Kind of know but doesn’t understand the psychological damage being caused or policies are being broken

Type 3- Fully- Conscious – the Predator-Intentional

In my experience, there 80-90 % that fall into type 1 or 2. These types if approached in the right way often wake up and willstop the behaviour. In another of my articles, I talked about current brain research informing us we are unconscious about 95 % of our day. (Bruce Lipton, neuroscientist) People are not as conscious as they think.

The type 3, the most dangerous are usually more difficult to stop unless they are forced or they realize there is going to be unmanageable serious consequences from the organization and/or the community such as co-workers and healthy bystanders.

In my experience if you treat a type 1 or 2 like a type 3 they will spend their time defending themselves versus waking up, taking responsibility and changing. Think about the possibilities for positive change if type 1 and 2s are about 80-90 % of the population.

Congratulations, you have been introduced to Step 3 of the Inside-Out, The Importance of Assessing the Bully, you are ready to voice your concerns and to take effective action!

In the 4th Step of the four-part blog post, we will be discussing about the Smart Next Steps to achieve a successful result.

Stay tuned for future blogs for the Inside-Out approach to stopping bullying and creating healthier communities.

Smart Next Steps

More information on my coaching programs is available on www.suevandittelli.com.

About the Author – Sue Vandittelli

The Inside-Out Approach To Stop Bullying and Creating Healthier Communities – Part 2: Inner Self Workout

December 22, 2018 by Sue Vandittelli Leave a Comment

In this 2nd Part of the Blog, Inner Self Workout, we will be exploring how to work with the feelings and our unconscious reactions, activating our inner core muscles and making smart choices.

Most articles for addressing bullying are from the outside~in focused on communication tips. My experience has shown me that strategies from the inside~out are more effective and holistic. These practises can be significantly more effective in achieving results and in preserving your mental health.

The first part to the Inside-Out Approach was Inner Self Checkout, which will enable you to more easily work with your inner core self from a state of deep calmness (read Part 1).

In this 2nd Part of the Blog, Inner Self Workout, we will be exploring how to work with the feelings and our unconscious reactions, activating our inner core muscles and making smart choices.

Inside-Out Approach Step 2: Inner Self Workout

Notice if any part of you has been significantly triggered by this other person. Check to see what thoughts your mind is churning out, what emotions are being activated, notice the location where tension is in your body. Journal these if you can. If this is too much you may need to connect with a counsellor. If the emotions are manageable than keep proceeding and check in afterwards whether additional counselling is needed. Always a good resource.

Ask yourself “when did I feel this way before and before that?”….

Be a gentle non-judgmental observer of yourself and take note if there is a pattern occurring, a person, a limiting belief from your past ….

When you have connected with this memory acknowledge it without judgment, it’s ok.

Observe the current date and time and say to yourself,
“I am in a different time and place, I am safe. I can take care of this situation.”

Bring yourself back into the present moment.

If you haven’t been triggered other than being angry with the behaviour of the other person, stay focussed in cleaning out your mind and heart. You will not be effective if you unconsciously react regardless of how inappropriate this other person’s behaviour has been. I often say to my clients “you can’t be angry and smart at the same time”, you are entitled to be both but consciously choose which one is needed in this moment in time.

This is about you taking healthy action from your “strong psychological inner core muscles”, your inner psychological core. Let’s be emotionally smart around the next steps. Self care and inner nurturing is essential when taking action with the other party, otherwise, you are at risk of being manipulated and side tracked by the person who is bullying you.

Congratulations, you have been introduced to Step 2 of the Inside-Out, Inner Self Workout you are ready to voice your concerns and to take effective action.

In the 3rd Step of the four-part blog post, we will be discussing about the Importance of Assessing the Type of the Bully to achieve a successful result.

Stay tuned for future blogs for the Inside-Out approach to stopping bullying and creating healthier communities.

The Importance of Assessing the Type of Bully
Smart Next Steps

More information on my coaching programs is available on www.suevandittelli.com.

About the Author – Sue Vandittelli

The Inside-Out Approach To Stop Bullying and Creating Healthier Communities – Part 1: Inner Self Check

November 15, 2018 by Sue Vandittelli Leave a Comment

Most articles for addressing bullying are from the outside~in focused on communication tips. My experience has shown me that strategies from the inside~out are more effective and holistic. These practises can be significantly more effective in achieving results and in preserving your mental health.

This is the first of four blogs for the Inside-Out approach to stopping bullying and creating healthier communities.

Inner Self Check
Inner Self Workout
The Importance of Assessing the Type of Bully
Smart Next Steps

Inside-Out Approach Step 1: Inner Self Check

Find a private area, take a nice slow breath, centre yourself and ask yourself a few questions:

What am I feeling with this situation?

Where am I feeling this in my body?

Do I remember a time when I felt in a similar state?

(Journal these or record on your smart phone if you can)

Take another nice slow breath, imagining and feeling the air flowing like a breeze through your head, heart and inner core (heart and belly).

Ask yourself, what do I need to take care of myself in this situation? If you don’t know, often it is giving yourself a reassuring hug, reassuring touch on the part of your body feeling the pain or discomfort, more breathing through the mouth and/or nose. If you can’t easily breathe through your nose and/or mouth than imagine and feel the air being breathed in from the earth into your feet ever expanding like roots of a tree. Feel it moving up your legs to your core, to your heart and feeling very grounded and strong.

If you are still feeling agitated, visualize, hear or smell something that brings in a positive flow and/or repeat a mantra (this can anything you use, some examples would be “I am ok, this too will pass”, “I love you Sue (substitute your name), it going to be ok”, etc.

Sounds simple and maybe a little silly but you will find it defies logic and works if you are able to fully work through the process.

The optimum state will be when you feel this fresh pure air breathing through into your core, heart and mind, washing away and clearing out the negativity. Ending this step with sending gentleness, self- love and/or self-compassion to yourself.

This will enable you to more easily work with your inner core self from a state of deep calmness.

Congratulations, you have been introduced to Step 1 of the Inside-Out, Inner Self Check.

In the 2nd Step of the four-part blog post, we will be discussing about Inner Self Workout, how to effectively manage our internal emotions to achieve a successful result.

Stay tuned for future blogs for the Inside-Out approach to stopping bulling and creating healthier communities.

Inner Self Workout
The Importance of Assessing the Type of Bully
Smart Next Steps

More information on my coaching programs is available on www.suevandittelli.com.

About the Author – Sue Vandittelli