Section 1
In this 4th blog, we will be discussing the Smart Next Steps to take effective action and achieve successful results.
As we have discussed, Types 1 and 2 can often be awakened with the right approach. They key is to give them the benefit of the doubt and use a non-judgmental tone while holding them accountable.
Most articles for addressing bullying are from the outside~in focused on communication tips. My experience has shown me that strategies from the inside~out are more holistic and effective.
Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.
Inside-Out Approach Step 4: Smart Next Steps
Type 1 or 2 Bullies
As we have discussed, types 1 and 2 can often be awakened with the right approach. The key is to give them the benefit of the doubt and use a non- judgmental tone while holding them accountable. We will work out what to do with the type 3s in the second section of this blog, this is not an “All or Nothing” exercise, we are smarter than this old thinking.
Naturally your response will depend on how obvious and/or serious the behaviour is present. Let’s try something simple first.
Let’s use this example: Someone starts telling a graphic sexual joke at work, or a joke targeting you, this could be happening privately or in a group setting.
We will work through the different roles in this scenario below from victim to bystander to victimizer. The first section will be using an example of a type 1 or 2 victimizer, the second section of this blog will use an example of a type 3 victimizer.
Possible responses when faced with Type 1 or 2 Bully:
Non –Verbal for victim and/or bystander: Ensure your “psychological inner core muscles” are activated and that you are breathing nice slow breaths from your core. Try and keep an open body posture and a calm and firm tone. If appropriate put a hand up in a slow stopping motion. Assess whether you need to stand or sit during the conversation.
Victim
Verbal Suggestions: Below
- Find a pause and change the joke or subject…
- “I love a good joke but this one is too much (over the line), let’s pick a different joke or topic…”
- If the conversation is putting someone else down, start talking about a positive interaction they had with the person…
- If they are putting you down say something like, “That’s not my experience, my experience is…”, or “sounds a little like a put down, I am sure you don’t mean it, let’s talk about what’s important to both of us in this situation…”
- Name the behaviour neutrally and say something like “That is enough…”
- “You are better than this, or We are better than this….. Where is the kindness? There is a new practise called kindfulness, you have heard mindfulness, let’s practise kindfulness and start again…”.
The actual words used will need to be customized. If you are alone, exit the interaction as soon as reasonably possible and privately document. If you are with a group, think about asking someone for help if needed, look at someone directly. Say something like “Can you help me (us) here?”
Bystander
Verbal Suggestions:
- Review the responses above and choose one, or
- Say “You may not be aware, this type of joke can be very uncomfortable for our co- workers, let’s pick another one….”
- Ask the others in the group for help…
The bystanders in these situations have largely been an untapped resource to effect changes in the past. The reality is they can be in a better emotional state to respond at the time than the victim. The bully will stop and/or leave the group once the group speaks up. There is significant power held within the group to keep the group healthy.
This approach is completely different than mobbing or group vigilantes. The bystander role in these circumstances is serving a positive intention with trying to de-escalate the situation when it is possible to do while keeping out of harm’s way themselves. In addition, they are establishing or re-establishing a group or organizational healthy boundaries around social and/or professional interactions. Individuals and organizations can only do so much by themselves. The healthy action of an informal group or community has a much greater influence than they realize.
Victimizer
Verbal Suggestions: Below
- “I am sorry, I hadn’t realized, I will stop.” (Say something positive about the person and/or the group.)
- “Ok, no problem”, if possible take responsibility (and then say something positive….)
In conclusion, reflect and learn from this experience, how we impact each other is often more important than our actual intentions. The best approach is to take responsibility for your part for yourself, the victim and the group. Seek out assistance to turn this around.
Congratulations, you have been introduced to section 1 of part 4 of the Inside-Out, Smart Next Steps to achieve a successful result! These situations are not easy but we have more power to change things around than we realize. Additional coaching is available, please see details below.
In section 2 of this blog post, we will focus on the Smart Next Steps to achieve a successful result with Type 3 bullies. As we have been talking, Type 3 bullies are the most difficult and a different strategy is required.
If you need more coaching assistance to increase your “psychological inner core muscles” contact me at sue@suevandittelli.com. Sometimes we need additional coaching to kick start an effective inner practice.
More information on my coaching programs is available on www.suevandittelli.com.
All Rights Reserved © 2020 Sue Vandittelli | www.SueVandittelli.com. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sue Vandittelli and www.SueVandittelli.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
About the Author – Sue Vandittelli
Sue Vandittelli, President of AWR Inc.(Alternative Workplace Resolutions), Professional Coach, Chartered Mediator, Certified Ombudsman, Senior Consultant with Morneau Shepell, Mediation Coach for ADR Chambers, Stitt Feld Handy and Former Bell Canada Ombudsperson and Human Rights Consultant. She has over 30 years’ expertise working with organizations, communities and individuals to develop transformative and sustainable solutions to professional relationships, challenges, conflicts, specializing in the area of discrimination and harassment; disability management; psychological & mental health; rebuilding & transforming professional relationships; OHSA Act Bills 168 & 132 and; business to business disputes in the franchise community. Sue is the Franchise Ombudsman for Canada and the United States working with franchisors and franchisees. Sue’s personal client group is committed to increasing their level on consciousness and successfully integrating their business and life.
Sue has successfully worked with over 600 clients and is recognized as the go-to-person for diffusing volatile and seemingly impossible workplace and business conflicts. She is a leader in developing and sustaining more conscious professional relationships and communities.
Sue is an active member of the: The International Ombudsman Association (IOA); ADR Institute of Canada (ADRIC), ADR Institute of Ontario (ADRIO) and is on the Leadership Circle of the Centre for Spirituality to guide the evolution of the new Centre; Board Member for Toronto Catholic Family Services Association and a former Volunteer for Women Helping Women with the Toronto Catholic Family Services mentoring women recovering from domestic abuse.
Sue has a degree from York University, a diploma in Business Administration from Ryerson Polytechnical Institute. She has a Certificate for Mediating in a Workplace when a Party has a Psychiatric Disability from the City University of New York and Certificates of Mediation (3 levels) from University Of Windsor’s Law Program. Sue is known for her unique and successful way of bridging the needs of the organization, employees, business, community, life and spirit.
Leave a Reply